Have you ever heard yourself, or someone else, say: "Don't mind, he didn't know what he was doing"? If so, you have been exposed to the wisdom of "looking beyond behavior."
While dealing with children, we all know very well the importance of - simple act of forgiveness. If we all based our love on children's behavior, it would often be difficult to love them at all. If love were based purely on behavior, then perhaps none of us would ever have been loved as a teenager!
Wouldn't it be nice if we could try to extend this same loving-kindness toward everyone we meet? Wouldn't we live in a more loving community if, when someone acted in a way that we didn't approve of, we could see their actions in a similar light as our teenager's bad behavior?
This doesn't mean that we walk around and pretend that everything is always wonderful, allow others to "walk all over us," or that we excuse or approve of negative behavior. Instead, it simply means having the perspective to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Know that when your assistant is moving slowly, he is probably having a bad day, or perhaps all of his days are bad. Looking beyond behavior gives us the perspective to not get upset and disappointed with every bad behavior of others.
Your Relationship To Your Problems
Obstacles and problems are a part of life. True happiness comes not when we get rid of all of our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of advancement in Krishna Consciousness, opportunities to practice patience, and to learn to depend on Krishna more and more.
Certainly some problems need to be solved. Many others, however, are problems we create for ourselves by struggling to make our life different than it actually is.
We can become more peaceful by understanding and accepting the inevitable dualities of life—the pain and pleasure, success and failure, joy and sorrow, births and deaths. Problems can teach us to be gracious, humble, and patient.
Problem and difficulties are considered to be so important to a life of growth. It is felt that when life is too easy, there are fewer opportunities for genuine growth.
When you spend less time running away from problems and trying to rid yourself of them— and more time accepting problems as an inevitable, natural, even important part of life—you will soon discover that life can be less of a battle.
Certainly some problems need to be solved. Many others, however, are problems we create for ourselves by struggling to make our life different than it actually is.
We can become more peaceful by understanding and accepting the inevitable dualities of life—the pain and pleasure, success and failure, joy and sorrow, births and deaths. Problems can teach us to be gracious, humble, and patient.
Problem and difficulties are considered to be so important to a life of growth. It is felt that when life is too easy, there are fewer opportunities for genuine growth.
When you spend less time running away from problems and trying to rid yourself of them— and more time accepting problems as an inevitable, natural, even important part of life—you will soon discover that life can be less of a battle.
Practice Ignoring Your Negative Thoughts
It has been estimated that the average human being has around 60,000 thoughts per day. That's a lot of thoughts. Some of these thoughts are going to be positive and productive. Unfortunately, however, many of them are also going to be negative—angry, fearful, pessimistic, worrisome. Indeed, the important question isn't whether or not you're going to have negative thoughts — you are—it's what you choose to do with the ones that you have.
In a practical sense, you really have only two options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts. You can analyze your thoughts —ponder, think through, study, think some more OR you can learn to ignore them—dismiss, pay less attention to, not take so seriously. This later option, learning to take your negative thoughts less seriously, is infinitely more effective in terms of learning to be more peaceful.
If you have a thought from your past, "I'm upset because he scolded me for no fault of mine" you can get into it, as many do, which will create inner turmoil for you. You can give the thought significance in your mind, and you'll convince yourself that you should indeed be unhappy. Or, you can recognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, and choose to dismiss the thought.
The same mental dynamic applies to thoughts of this morning, even five minutes ago. An argument that happened while you were walking out the door is no longer an actual argument; it's a thought in your mind. This dynamic also applies to future-oriented thoughts. You'll find, in all cases that if you ignore or dismiss a negative thought that fill your mind, you become more peaceful.
In a practical sense, you really have only two options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts. You can analyze your thoughts —ponder, think through, study, think some more OR you can learn to ignore them—dismiss, pay less attention to, not take so seriously. This later option, learning to take your negative thoughts less seriously, is infinitely more effective in terms of learning to be more peaceful.
If you have a thought from your past, "I'm upset because he scolded me for no fault of mine" you can get into it, as many do, which will create inner turmoil for you. You can give the thought significance in your mind, and you'll convince yourself that you should indeed be unhappy. Or, you can recognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, and choose to dismiss the thought.
The same mental dynamic applies to thoughts of this morning, even five minutes ago. An argument that happened while you were walking out the door is no longer an actual argument; it's a thought in your mind. This dynamic also applies to future-oriented thoughts. You'll find, in all cases that if you ignore or dismiss a negative thought that fill your mind, you become more peaceful.
Be Willing To Learn
Many of us are reluctant to learn from the people closest to us—our authorities, staff and friends. Rather than being open to learning, we close ourselves off out of embarrassment, fear, stubbornness, or pride. It's almost as if we say to ourselves, "I have already learned all that I can [or want to learn] from this person; there is nothing else I can [or need to] learn."
It's sad, because often the people closest to us know us the best. They are sometimes able to see ways in which we are acting in a self-defeating manner and can offer very simple solutions. If we are too proud or stubborn to learn, we lose out on some wonderful, simple ways to improve our lives.
Remain open to the suggestions of your authorities and other friends. Ask them, "What are some of my blind spots?" By this simple process you end up getting some good advice. It's such a simple shortcut for growth, yet almost no one uses it. All it takes is a little courage and humility, and the ability to let go of your ego. This is especially true if you are in the habit of ignoring suggestions, taking them as criticism.
Pick something that you feel the person whom you are asking is qualified to answer. Sometimes the advice we get usually prevents us from having to learn something the hard way.
It's sad, because often the people closest to us know us the best. They are sometimes able to see ways in which we are acting in a self-defeating manner and can offer very simple solutions. If we are too proud or stubborn to learn, we lose out on some wonderful, simple ways to improve our lives.
Remain open to the suggestions of your authorities and other friends. Ask them, "What are some of my blind spots?" By this simple process you end up getting some good advice. It's such a simple shortcut for growth, yet almost no one uses it. All it takes is a little courage and humility, and the ability to let go of your ego. This is especially true if you are in the habit of ignoring suggestions, taking them as criticism.
Pick something that you feel the person whom you are asking is qualified to answer. Sometimes the advice we get usually prevents us from having to learn something the hard way.
Admit Your Mistakes And Errors
One reason Hitler lost World War II was that he did not fully understand the situation. Bearers of bad news were punished. Soon no one dared to tell him the truth. Not knowing the truth, he could not act appropriately.
Many of us are individually guilty of the same error. We do not like to admit to ourselves our mistakes, errors, shortcomings, or ever admit we have been in the wrong. And because we will not see the truth, we cannot act appropriately.
Someone has said that it is a good exercise to daily admit one painful fact about ourselves to ourselves.
Look for and seek out true information concerning yourself, your problems, other people, or situation, whether it is good news or bad news.
Adopt the motto – “It doesn’t matter who’s right, but what’s right.”
Admit your mistakes and errors but don’t cry over them. Correct them and go forward. In dealing with other people try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.
Many of us are individually guilty of the same error. We do not like to admit to ourselves our mistakes, errors, shortcomings, or ever admit we have been in the wrong. And because we will not see the truth, we cannot act appropriately.
Someone has said that it is a good exercise to daily admit one painful fact about ourselves to ourselves.
Look for and seek out true information concerning yourself, your problems, other people, or situation, whether it is good news or bad news.
Adopt the motto – “It doesn’t matter who’s right, but what’s right.”
Admit your mistakes and errors but don’t cry over them. Correct them and go forward. In dealing with other people try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.
Be Graceful When You're Feeling Bad
The happiest person on earth isn't always happy. In fact, the happiest people all have their fair share of low moods, problems and disappointments. Often the difference between a person who is happy and someone who is unhappy is not how often they get low, or even how low they drop, but instead, it's what they do with their low moods.
Many people take their low moods very seriously and try to figure out and analyze what's wrong. They try to force themselves out of their low state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solve it.
Intelligent people understand that both positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won't be feeling so good.
So, when they are feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out, they relate to these feelings with the same openness and wisdom. Rather than fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.
Rather than stumbling and fighting against their negative feelings, they are graceful in their acceptance of them. This allows them to come gently and gracefully out of negative feeling states into more positive states of mind.
The next time you're feeling bad, rather than fight it, try to relax. See if, instead of panicking, you can be graceful and calm. Know that if you don't fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away.
Many people take their low moods very seriously and try to figure out and analyze what's wrong. They try to force themselves out of their low state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solve it.
Intelligent people understand that both positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won't be feeling so good.
So, when they are feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out, they relate to these feelings with the same openness and wisdom. Rather than fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.
Rather than stumbling and fighting against their negative feelings, they are graceful in their acceptance of them. This allows them to come gently and gracefully out of negative feeling states into more positive states of mind.
The next time you're feeling bad, rather than fight it, try to relax. See if, instead of panicking, you can be graceful and calm. Know that if you don't fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away.
Facts versus Opinions
Many times we create confusion when we add our own opinions to facts and come up with wrong conclusions.
For example:
FACT: Two people are whispering when you walk up. Suddenly they stop talking.
OPINION: They must be gossiping about me.
FACT: A new lady is appointed in my department.
OPINION: They will ask me to leave!
FACT: He has reported about me to authorities.
OPINION: They will blacklist me. I am now ruined and finished!
Many a times we tend to behave negatively due to our own adverse opinions. We feel people per se are hostile and unfriendly. We become anxious and fearful for no good reason in a situation which is relatively safe.
It is said: “Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinions of the things that happen.”
Worrying Yourself to Death
When it comes to stress, illness and wellness, it is important to remember that what goes on in your mind is reflected in your body.
People who continually worry and get stressed about their problems tend to develop tense muscles, become tired easily or get headaches. When their mind is stressed, their body becomes stressed too.
Dwelling on your mistakes and over-analyzing what could have gone wrong or what you could have done differently only drains your energy and distracts you from what you have to do.
Worrying only uses up energy and doesn’t really help your situation. Like acid, worry will just eat you away if you let it into your life each day.
There are endless things you can worry about…service, safety, health, future, etc.
But let’s face it:
Instead…
Exchange worry for action
Worry, like a hot stove, only hurts you if you touch it. Worry will paralyze you.
Instead of worrying, do something to solve the problem.
Action leads to results.
People who continually worry and get stressed about their problems tend to develop tense muscles, become tired easily or get headaches. When their mind is stressed, their body becomes stressed too.
Dwelling on your mistakes and over-analyzing what could have gone wrong or what you could have done differently only drains your energy and distracts you from what you have to do.
Worrying only uses up energy and doesn’t really help your situation. Like acid, worry will just eat you away if you let it into your life each day.
There are endless things you can worry about…service, safety, health, future, etc.
But let’s face it:
- Worry doesn’t change the situation
- Worry won’t help time move any quicker
- Worry won’t help you with your service
- Worry just doesn’t help in any way…
Instead…
Exchange worry for action
Worry, like a hot stove, only hurts you if you touch it. Worry will paralyze you.
Instead of worrying, do something to solve the problem.
Action leads to results.
Echo Effect or Mirror Effect
What kind of friends do you have? What kind of employees? What kind of colleagues? So many times in life we get from others EXACTLY WHAT WE EXPECT! In short the way we see people affects the way we treat them and the way we treat them affects the way they perform. This is called Pygmalion Effect (sometimes called the “echo effect” or the “mirror effect”). Expectations can influence behavior: therefore, a manager may get better staff performance if he expects better performance. What we see reflected in many objects, situations, or persons are what we put there with our own expectations. We create images of how things should be, and if these images are believed, they become self fulfilling prophecies. The feelings and tones which surround us can be changed if we work to change them by sending out the kind of signal we want reflected or echoed. We all have an audience of individuals and colleagues whose day, including their moods, feelings, and dispositions, will be influenced by the way we start it. The Pygmalion Effect has met the test of scientific analysis. • A study showed that experiments could raise the IQ scores of children, especially on verbal and information sub-tests, merely by expecting them to do well. • A study showed that worker performance increased markedly when the supervisor of these workers was told that his group showed a special potential for their particular job.
Our Failures In Human Relations
Most of Our Failures in Human Relations are due to “misunderstandings”.
We expect other people to react and respond and come to the same conclusions as we do from a given set of “facts” or “circumstances.”
No one responds or reacts to “things as they are,” but to his own mental images. Most of the time, a person “understands” and interprets the situation differently from us. He is merely responding appropriately to what – to him – seems to be the truth about the situation.
Ask yourself:
“How does this appear to him?”
“How does he interpret this situation?”
“How does he feel about it?”
Try to understand why he might “act the way he does”
In dealing with other people try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.
Spiritual Thermostat – Maintain Your Own Climate
Hammer it home to yourself, that the key to the matter of whether you are disturbed or tranquil, fearful or composed is not the external stimulus, whatever it may be, but your response and reaction. Your own response is what “makes” you feel fearful, anxious & insecure.
Do not emotionally respond to the scare “bells” in the environment. You are an “actor” not a “reactor”. We should not be like a ship that goes whichever way the wind happens to blow. We must keep our ship afloat and stable. Our ship must not be tossed and rocked and perhaps sunk by every passing wave, or even a serious storm.
Many times apart from the actual minor stimuli in the environment we respond to our own negative mental pictures. We impose our own negatives: This or that may happen; what if such & such happen. Stop scaring yourself to death with your own mental pictures.
We respond to these negative pictures as if they were present in reality. Your nervous system can not tell the difference between a real experience and one that is vividly imagined. The proper response to worry pictures is to totally ignore them.
Our physical body has a built in thermostat, which maintains the inner temperature at a steady 98.6 degrees, regardless of the temperature in the environment. The weather around you may be freezing cold, or 110 degrees. Yet your body maintains its own climate – a steady 98.6. It is able to function properly in the environment because it does not take on the climate of the environment. Cold or hot – it maintains its own.
Likewise you don’t have to take on the outward climate. Use spiritual thermostat to maintain an emotional climate and atmosphere in spite of the bad emotional weather around you.
Think of Your Problems as Potential Teachers
Most people would agree that one of the greatest sources of stress in our lives is our problems. To a certain degree this is true. A more accurate assessment, however, is that the amount of stress we feel has more to do with how we relate to our problems than it does with the problems themselves. In other words, how much of a problem do we make our problems?
Problems come in many shapes, sizes, and degrees of seriousness, but all have one thing in common: They present us with something that we wish were different. The more we struggle with our problems and the more we want them to go away, the worse they seem and the more stress they cause us.
Ironically, and luckily, the opposite is also true. When we accept our problems as an inevitable part of life, when we look at them as potential teachers, it's as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.
Think of a problem that you have struggled with for quite some time. How have you dealt with this problem up until now? If you're like most, you've probably struggled with it, mentally rehearsed it, analyzed it again and again, but have come up short. Where has this entire struggle led you? Probably it has led to even more confusion and stress.
Now think of the same problem in a new way. Rather than trying to push away the problem and resist it, try to embrace it. Ask yourself what valuable lesson(s) this problem might be able to teach you. Problems can teach us to depend on Krishna more & more!
Problems come in many shapes, sizes, and degrees of seriousness, but all have one thing in common: They present us with something that we wish were different. The more we struggle with our problems and the more we want them to go away, the worse they seem and the more stress they cause us.
Ironically, and luckily, the opposite is also true. When we accept our problems as an inevitable part of life, when we look at them as potential teachers, it's as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.
Think of a problem that you have struggled with for quite some time. How have you dealt with this problem up until now? If you're like most, you've probably struggled with it, mentally rehearsed it, analyzed it again and again, but have come up short. Where has this entire struggle led you? Probably it has led to even more confusion and stress.
Now think of the same problem in a new way. Rather than trying to push away the problem and resist it, try to embrace it. Ask yourself what valuable lesson(s) this problem might be able to teach you. Problems can teach us to depend on Krishna more & more!
Reacting To Criticism
Very often we are immobilized by the slightest criticism. We treat it like an emergency, and defend ourselves as if we were in a battle.
When we react to criticism with a knee-jerk, defensive response, it hurts. We feel attacked, and we have a need to defend or to offer a counter criticism. We fill our minds with angry or hurtful thoughts directed at ourselves or at the person who is being critical. All this reaction takes an enormous amount of mental energy.
An incredibly useful exercise is to agree with criticism directed toward you. I'm not talking about turning into a doormat or ruining your self-esteem by believing all negativity that comes in your direction. There are many times when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation, satisfies a person's need to express a point of view, offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position, and, perhaps most important, provides you an opportunity to remain calm.
One of the first times I consciously agreed with criticism directed toward me was many years ago when a friend said to me, "Sometimes you talk too much." I remember feeling momentarily hurt before deciding to agree. I responded by saying, "You're right, I do talk too much sometimes." In agreeing with him, I was able to see that he had a good point. I often do talk too much! What's more, my non-defensive reaction helped him to relax.
Reacting to criticism never makes the criticism go away. In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.
What Are Others Trying To Teach Me?
The people you meet are all here to teach you something. Perhaps the disrespectful employee or an angry colleague is here to teach you about patience.
Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you. You'll find that if you do this, you'll be far less annoyed, bothered, and frustrated by the actions and imperfections of other people. You can actually get yourself in the habit of approaching life in this manner and, if you do, you'll be glad you did.
Often, once you discover what someone is trying to teach you, it's easy to let go of your frustration. For example, suppose you're in the post office and the postal clerk appears to be intentionally moving slowly. Rather than feeling frustrated, ask yourself the question, "What is he trying to teach me?" Maybe you need to learn about compassion—how hard it would be to have a job that you don't like. Or perhaps you could learn a little more about being patient. Standing in line is an excellent opportunity to break your habit of feeling impatient.
All you're really doing is changing your perception from "Why are they doing this?" to "What are they trying to teach me?"
Stop Blaming Others
Blaming has become extremely common in our culture. On a personal level, it has led us to believe that we are never completely responsible for our own actions, problems, or happiness. When we are in the habit of blaming others, we will blame others for our anger, frustration, depression, stress, and unhappiness.
In terms of personal happiness, you cannot be peaceful while at the same time blaming others. Surely there are times when other people and/or circumstances contribute to our problems, but it is we who must rise to the occasion and take responsibility for our own happiness.
As an experiment, notice what happens when you stop blaming others for anything and everything in your life. This doesn't mean you don't hold people accountable for their actions, but that you hold yourself accountable for your own happiness and for your reactions to other people and the circumstances around you.
Blaming others takes an enormous amount of mental energy. It's a "drag-me-down" mind-set that creates stress and disease. Blaming makes you feel powerless over your own life because your happiness is dependent on the actions and behavior of others, which you can't control.
When you stop blaming others, you will regain your sense of personal power. You will see yourself as a choice maker. You will know that when you are upset, you are playing a key role in the creation of your own feelings. This means that you can also play a key role in creating new, more positive feelings. Life is easier to manage when you stop blaming others.
React Intelligently
In a movie shooting, director brings out a sign which says “applause” and everyone applauds. He brings out another sign which says “laughter” and everyone laughs. They act like sheep - as if they were slaves, and meekly react as they are told to react.
Many a times we act the same way. We let outward events and other people dictate us how we shall feel and how we shall react. We act as obedient slave and obeying promptly when some event or circumstance signals us – “Be angry” – “Get upset” – or “Now is the time to feel unhappy.”
We have to tame our minds and become freed from the domination of outward conditions & circumstances.
Lord Krishna instructs Arjuna in Bhagavad-gita 12.15
“He by whom no one is put into difficulty and who is not disturbed by anyone, who is equipoise in happiness and distress, fear and anxiety, is very dear to Me.”
Srila Prabhupada writes in the purport:
“Since a devotee is kind to everyone, he does not act in such a way as to put others into anxiety. At the same time, if others try to put a devotee into anxiety, he is not disturbed. It is by the grace of the Lord that he is so practiced that he is not disturbed by any outward disturbance.”
React intelligently to un-intelligent treatment!
Many a times we act the same way. We let outward events and other people dictate us how we shall feel and how we shall react. We act as obedient slave and obeying promptly when some event or circumstance signals us – “Be angry” – “Get upset” – or “Now is the time to feel unhappy.”
We have to tame our minds and become freed from the domination of outward conditions & circumstances.
Lord Krishna instructs Arjuna in Bhagavad-gita 12.15
“He by whom no one is put into difficulty and who is not disturbed by anyone, who is equipoise in happiness and distress, fear and anxiety, is very dear to Me.”
Srila Prabhupada writes in the purport:
“Since a devotee is kind to everyone, he does not act in such a way as to put others into anxiety. At the same time, if others try to put a devotee into anxiety, he is not disturbed. It is by the grace of the Lord that he is so practiced that he is not disturbed by any outward disturbance.”
React intelligently to un-intelligent treatment!
Our Internal Struggle
One important principle in life is accepting "what is" instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Much of our internal struggle stems from our desire to control life, to insist that it be different than it actually is. But life isn't always (or even rarely is) the way we would like it to be - it is simply the way it is.
The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind. When we have preconceived ideas about the way life should be, they prevent us from honoring what we are going through in life.
Accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur in your life. First accept what kala is unfolding in the present moment. You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment. You can wish for the things to be different in future, but in this moment you have to accept things as they are.
Rather than reacting to events and circumstances, try accepting the moment for what it is. If you practice acceptance in the midst of the difficulties of daily life, you will soon find that many of the things that have always bothered you will cease to bother you.
When you fight that which you struggle with, life can be quite a battle. But when you accept what is going on, more peaceful feelings will begin to emerge.
The greater our surrender to the truth of the moment, the greater will be our peace of mind. When we have preconceived ideas about the way life should be, they prevent us from honoring what we are going through in life.
Accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur in your life. First accept what kala is unfolding in the present moment. You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment. You can wish for the things to be different in future, but in this moment you have to accept things as they are.
Rather than reacting to events and circumstances, try accepting the moment for what it is. If you practice acceptance in the midst of the difficulties of daily life, you will soon find that many of the things that have always bothered you will cease to bother you.
When you fight that which you struggle with, life can be quite a battle. But when you accept what is going on, more peaceful feelings will begin to emerge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)